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How I didn't get rich selling cook books, dirty socks, and Bigfoot porn.

We've all done things we aren't proud of for money. Here are a few of my proudest moments.

It had been about fifteen years since I stopped working at the porn store and I thought my days of peddling smut was over. I never thought it would be my brother and my love of writing that would pull me back in. I was living in Houston, working as a massage therapist while my brother, @thewisesloth, was living in New Zealand with his cold and unloving wife that we all referred to as “The Fun Sucker” because she could suck the fun out of any room. He wound up leaving her and went on a Kerouac-esque journey across New Zealand, picking grapes and apples, which eventually landed him managing a hostel for migrant travelers. He did the starving artist thing for a year or so until he realized he was doing more starving than artist. I told him to come to Houston and we would work on that book we’d been putting off for twenty years. He left the land of sheep and kiwis for the land of hurricanes and mosquitos. I wanted to write the next Stuart Little, but my brother had other plans.

Sloth: “Ok, man. I know what we are going to write.”

Goat: “I was thinking something along the lines of magical tales of adventure that will capture the imaginations of children for generations.”

Sloth- “Fuck that. We’re writing smut.”

Goat: “You out yo Goddamn mind.”

Sloth: “I’ve been reading interviews with shitty authors that are making a killing self-publishing crotch novels on Amazon.” Goat: “Not only no, but hell no.”

Sloth: “Read this.”

Goat: “… Hmm…”

Goat: “I’m in.”

We spent the next six months cranking out half-assed novelettes. We tried downloading a bunch of romance novels to research but we could never get more than six or seven pages in before our brains started bleeding from clichés and bad writing. In hindsight we should have done our research. It didn’t help that at the time we didn’t know the fi...

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