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Shark Week- part of "The Girlfriend Survival Guide" series

Shark Week

Back in the Garden of Eden, newlyweds would take an aptitude test to determine if they would be suitable parents. If they scored high enough, a stork would deliver a smiling baby to their doorstep. After the founding members of the Ancient Order of the Ovaries had their application rejected for being drama queens, they stormed the headquarters of Stork Inc. with sticks and drove them out. The stork’s process for making babies was spectacularly simple, but women never read the directions for anything so they created a complex system of plumbing inside themselves to gestate human beings instead.

When a man puts his wee-wee in a woman’s hoo-ha, his little champions swim up a river of nightmares until it finds a safe place to hide (The egg) until it is strong enough to escape the house of horrors it was thrown into. The egg wants out too and it knows the sperm can help. There is only room for one sperm inside the egg so all the sperm that didn’t make it quickly commit mass suicide. The scared egg and sperm bide their time until they are strong enough to escape. Have you ever seen a baby being born? It looks like a scene out of Hellraiser. You can only imagine what kind of shit that baby has been going through for the last nine months. That is why they kick when they are inside and are crying when they come out.

"It's a boy!"

The villain in this horror movie is Estrogen. Our bodies are an amazing ecosystem of cells and organs that pretty much run themselves, leaving you free to do things like test out how much booze you can pour into it. Every cell, organ, and molecule in your body have a job to do. Hormones are the CEO of the body. They assign jobs, create schedules, and make sure everything runs smoothly. God hired the hormone Testosterone to run the body because it had a record of being able to work well under pressure, and is a good problem solver. For example, Testosterone was tasked with designing a system so people...

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